


"You Who Are Two-"

by Esperata



Series: A Picture Tells... [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Alien Rituals, Crack, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2017-04-05
Packaged: 2018-10-15 02:37:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10548620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esperata/pseuds/Esperata
Summary: Spock and McCoy are facing the ultimate punishment at the hands of an alien high priest.





	

This was it.

He was about to conduct the most feared ritual known. The one reserved for only the worst of blasphemers and heretics. It was the very worst punishment that could be inflicted upon anyone. A ruination of their life forevermore.

He raised his sacred staff of office.

“Any final words before your individuality is striped from you?” he declaimed.

…

“Don’t worry Spock,” the blue eyed individual glanced at his companion. “You can request a divorce once we get back.”

The High Priest nodded solemnly at the familiar words, although the mysticism behind the term ‘divorce’ was lost on him. He could only imagine it was a form of repentance in the life to come.

The one with the pointed ears turned to look at the other man.

“‘You’?” he repeated. “You indicate that you yourself would not request a divorce.”

A red flush appeared on the blue-eyed man’s face. Perhaps a sign of fear.

“I can assure you, Doctor,” the pointy-eared one continued. “If you do not wish for a divorce, then neither do I.”

As this appeared to be the end of his statement, the High Priest raised his staff again and prepared to speak the Holy words.

Only to be suddenly interrupted by the one designated ‘Doctor’.

“Wait just a minute.” He held his hand up towards the priest but focused his attention on his companion. “Are you telling me you _want_ to get married to me?”

The High Priest was about to demand their attention when the other spoke up.

“I am not adverse to it.”

As they stared at each other, the High Priest decided to reassert control and began the solemn words.

“You who are two-”

“No dammit!” This time the blue-eyed glare was fixed on him. “If we’re doing this, we’re doing it right.”

The High Priest blinked, unsure what he’d been doing wrong. It was after all, _his_ sacred ritual.

“Anyone got a ring?” The rounded eared man asked loudly. As no-one immediately replied he muttered, “Never mind,” and twisted a small metal ring off his little finger.

He then knelt down and held it up to his companion.

“Spock… whose proper name I can’t pronounce… will you marry me?”

The man with the pointy ears, apparently named ‘Spock’, raised his slanted eyebrows and replied serenely.

“I shall.”

There was a moment’s awkwardness as an attempt was made to place the too small ring on a too large finger but eventually it was secured on the tip.

Finally both men stood and stared expectantly at the High Priest.

He cleared his throat and began again, determined to get this ritual back on track.

“You who are two-”

“Wait! Wait!” the now ringless man interrupted again before turning to the other. “We can’t do this without Jim.”

“The captain would wish to be here,” his mate responded before turning to the High Priest. “May we request the presence of our Captain?”

The High Priest momentarily floundered before regaining himself.

A last request was appropriate… and witnesses to the fate of those who broke the laws would be fitting…

He nodded and gestured for their communication device to be returned. The guard kept his weapon on the duo as they called the ship and requested the company of ‘Jim’.

It was really the arrival of that individual that signalled the end of the High Priest’s control on events.

As the prisoners explained their punishment, Jim suddenly turned to the High Priest, caught his hand and shook it vigorously.

“I owe you a huge favour,” he announced. The High Priest could only blink at his enthusiasm. Were these then disreputable officers of his ship?

“You may continue,” the one called Spock replied before being hastily interrupted by his captain.

“Oh no. We’re got to get Scotty down here. And Sulu, Chekov, Uhura-”

“Don’t forget Christine and M’Benga,” the blue-eyed one put in. Jim was already snapping open his communicator and barking instructions into it.

“The ritual must-” began the High Priest severely but was quickly beset by questions.

“Is there somewhere a bit roomier?”

“Are you supplying food and drinks or do I need to request that from the galley?”

“What about flowers? I need a button hole at least.”

“The guests should be provided with seating.”

“I’d really like some music.”

“Good idea. We could have a party afterwards too.”

“Is it necessary to inform Starfleet prior to events?”

“After’s fine. And spare no expense. We can bill it to Starfleet under expenses of First Contact.”

Sparkles were heralding the arrival of more individuals who all came forward to shake hands with the couple as well as the High Priest.

As he greeted new officers, and as he continued to be beset by unexpected questions, the High Priest hastily instructed some lesser officials to tend to the enquiries.

Soon the lower priests were hurrying back and forth carrying chairs, flowers and food to the nearby outdoor theatre. The High Priest called quick instructions to them and corralled some guards to guide the new guests.

Some officers from the alien vessel soon volunteered to help as well and began serving drinks to the assembled masses.

The High Priest was vaguely aware that things had gotten a little out of hand, but he was so flustered with organising everything that he couldn’t stop to consider just what was wrong. And this ritual was important. They had to get it _right_.

Finally, _finally_ , as twilight began to fall and lower priests hastily lit small lamps round the venue, the High Priest started his traditional ritual.

“You who are two-”

He was aware of an added magnificence as his voice reverberated. And of a heightened emotionalism to the event as numerous guests shed tears. The two central individuals also brought a new reverence to proceedings as they each added vows that, though quite different in language, were spoken with equal sincerity.

All-in-all, he concluded afterwards, it was by far the greatest ritual he had ever presided over.

**Author's Note:**

> A 1000 word crazy fic to celebrate publishing 10 drabbles.


End file.
